my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
