Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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