there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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