i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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