Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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