My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
