I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
