Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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