I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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