I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
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