If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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