I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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