if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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