1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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