My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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