I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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