Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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