Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
