Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
