I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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