I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
