you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
