How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
