the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
