Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
