I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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