the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I'm really busy with my period
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