I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Mom said you looked used
Every concussion has its silver lining
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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