So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
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Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
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I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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