I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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