Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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