I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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