i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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