I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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