I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He's a Shit stain on my heart
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
