i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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