Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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