He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
