God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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