I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
