Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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