Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
