youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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