I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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