I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
