im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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