she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
