Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
