its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
