I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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