Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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