Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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