I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
