It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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